Blog - Christian Women and Porn

3 Healthy Relationship Tips to Take Away from Fifty Shades of Grey

June 2, 2015 By shelley Leave a Comment

Guest post by LifeStar

There is a stereotype around pornography that it only affects men, but, the truth is, women can also become addicted and struggle with pornography and sexual addiction. In a recent study conducted by Christian Women, 40% of women surveyed considered themselves as an addict and many women are opening up about their own struggles.

How many times do you see a half-naked woman (or man) on a magazine cover, TV, and social media each day? A lot. It has become so common in society that many of us probably don’t even notice these images anymore or see anything wrong with the objectification and unrealistic expectations we place on each other and ourselves.

With the recent release of the film, Fifty Shades of Grey, we’ve seen mainstream media romanticizing the addictive and manipulative behaviors pornography and sexual addiction have on the way we view each other and build our relationships. What is it about Christian Grey’s controlling nature that appeals to women? There is nothing romantic about a man (or woman) who is on a destructive path that will not only hurt them, but the people in their lives. However, there are some positive aspects to take away from the way media portrays films like Fifty Shades to grow and create healthy relationships.

Promote stronger relationships with these 3 healthy relationship tips to take from the film:

1.) Set your boundaries. Boundaries are an important skill to have for building healthy relationships and a better understanding of yourself. Take time to decide what your limits are and write down what makes you uncomfortable or stressed. While you are creating your list of boundaries, include what compromises you are willing to make in the relationship. Remember to consider all the areas of your life and your needs in the following categories: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual.

2.) Practice good communication. We all get busy with our lives and sometimes finding time to talk openly with your spouse is pushed down on the list. Setting time aside for you and your spouse (or boyfriend/girlfriend) to really talk, at least once a week, is important to allow you to have more meaningful discussions. When having a deeper conversation with your partner, remember to also listen to them. How are you going to solve any problems if you aren’t listening to what the other person is saying?

3.) Self-awareness. In order to set purposeful boundaries, having a strong sense of who you are and honoring your feelings is vital to the process. Create healthy boundaries by asking yourself the following questions: “What is happening in this situation that is making me feel resentful or stressed? Is it something I am doing or the other person?” Once you’ve gotten clear on those, consider: “What are you going to do about the situation? What parts of the situation do you have control over?”

Relationships come with their own ups and downs. By having a strong sense of what your boundaries are and keeping the communication lines open with your spouse, you can build a deeper relationship with the person you love.

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About the Author: LifeStar has over 20 years’ experience of helping individuals, spouses, and families heal from the devastating effects of pornography addiction and other sexually compulsive behaviors. Developed by Dan Gray and Todd Olson, LifeStar is run by highly trained and licensed therapists who specialize in sexual addiction recovery.

The Great Debate: Is Masturbation a Sin?

September 25, 2012 By sambrosia 4 Comments

by S’ambrosia Curtis

Satan, who also goes by the alias “the tempter”, has been using the same old trick since the beginning of time. Literally. In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve knew right from wrong–God had personally gone over His rules with them–and yet the slimy serpent paved the way for temptation’s free reign in their hearts by throwing one simple question into the mix:

“Did God really say you couldn’t eat from any tree in the garden?”

Fast forward to today…

“Is Masturbation Really a Sin?”

Sound familiar? This was the question I asked myself regularly for about ten years, whenever temptation would arise, and I would look for ways to get around the conviction I was feeling in my heart.

The question of whether or not masturbation is a sin really serves the same purpose as the question that the serpent posed to Eve. It throws just enough doubt in our minds to allow us to engage in it without feeling guilt… that is until the deed is done. In all the years that I struggled with masturbation, and through all of the stories I’ve heard from other Christian women who struggled with it, the guilt comes like a flood as soon as the pleasure subsides. Every time. Even people who have little to no relationship with Jesus confess that something inside of them makes them feel like what they’re doing is wrong. Why do we feel so much guilt if there’s nothing wrong with it?

Before I give my two cents on “the great masturbation debate,” I must acknowledge that I would not lump children that come upon masturbation through self-exploration into either of the subsequent categories, nor would I claim that victims of sexual abuse are at fault for the psychological and sexual effects their abuse has caused. These categories are directed towards those who regularly allow their sexual urges to govern their actions.

Committing Idolatry with Others

The most common way I find masturbation to be classified as sin is when it’s tied to lust. Jesus plainly lays it out in the Sermon on the Mount that looking upon someone with lust in your eyes is tantamount to adultery, which is listed in the Ten Commandments as a big “no-no” (Matthew 5:28, Exodus 20:14). To lust after someone simply means to want him very badly. Usually, the desire to masturbate is triggered by lust. If Jesus says that merely looking at someone with lustful intentions is bad, I imagine that acting on your lust by masturbating or fornicating only serves to compound the problem.

If your desires were constantly weighed on a scale throughout the day, with God on one side and other desires on the other side, God would theoretically always be the weightier object because He is to be your one pure and holy passion. If at any time you begin to lust for something, the scale begins to tip in the opposite direction. This is idolatry. Whenever your affections are set on anything other than God, it is considered idolatry.

Committing Idolatry with Yourself

Now don’t think that just because it’s possible to masturbate without feeling lust for anyone that you’ve found a loophole. There is still an issue of idolatry, but this time the weight on the other side of the scale is you. If pleasuring yourself is your utmost goal, and doing the will of God takes a back seat to it, that’s idolatry. I know people who automatically turn to masturbation the moment they wake up simply because they’ve established a routine of gratifying their flesh first thing in the morning. If your flesh is the first thing you’re feeding when you wake up in the morning, you better believe that its demands will not be easy to silence later in the day!

Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. – Colossians 3:5

Ask the Right Questions

Instead of asking whether masturbation is right or wrong, ask yourself if you’re asking the question as an excuse to keep sinning. Ask the Holy Spirit to search your heart and reveal any hidden thing or any worthless affection that you need to be rid of. Idolatry and adultery are one in the same to God, so remind yourself that you are His Bride, and He desires… no, He lusts (in the purest and truest sense of the word) for your love and affection. Refuse to let the enemy’s tired old tactics prevail. Live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.

S’ambrosia Curtis is a graduate from Kansas State University, where she served on an InterVarsity leadership team for three years and developed a love for God and a heart for His people. She currently teaches English and sociology to middle and high school students at Salina Christian Academy and leads worship at NorthPoint Church in Salina, KS. Her main objective for whatever she puts her hand to, is to bring glory to the name of Christ, that He may receive the reward of His suffering.

S’ambrosia co-authored the book, “A Christian Woman’s Guide to Breaking Free From Pornography: It’s Not Just a Guy’s Problem” with Shelley Hitz. During their book launch on 9/26/12-9/27/12, you can download a free Kindle copy and also enter to win over $450 worth of resources.

Find out more at www.ChristianWomenandPorn.com

The Forgiveness Verse and How it Relates to Sexual Sin

September 14, 2012 By shelley 2 Comments

by Scott Mason, author and speaker

There’s one verse in the Bible that I believe everyone should know without exception, and that is 1 John 1:9. The forgiveness verse, as I call it, states that: “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (NIV).

There’s one word that stands out to me more than any other word in that verse, and it is purify. The definition of purify is to rid of impurities – to cleanse. What John is saying here is that God will not only forgive our sins, but He will also purify, cleanse and restore us to the state we were in before our sin – our original state.

When Shelley Hitz asked me to write a story on forgiveness for her blog and book, “Unshackled and Free: True Stories of Forgiveness,” it took about 10 seconds to figure out what I was going to write on. I could have talked about how God has forgiven me of my past life which consisted of being addicted to drugs and alcohol, arrested over 25 times, 36 felony convictions, and 10 years in prison, but that’s not what God wanted.

God wanted me to share how I use the verse in 1st John to help prostitutes, sex addicts and anyone who has had sex outside of marriage. Below is one story that took place in October of 2010, and it is similar to every other person I do this with. I hope it helps you find forgiveness in your own life if you have had sex outside of God’s will.

Sometimes You Have to Head Straight into the Pain to Come Out on the Other Side

One afternoon I met with up with a girl who, at the time, was addicted to almost any drug she could put into her veins. In order to pay for the drugs she was addicted to, she would sleep with countless men. At one point she was having sex with over 30 people a day. As we started to talk about her lifestyle I noticed right away that the sex she was having to support her habit really weighed heavy on her heart. Now, you would think that something like this would bother just about anyone, but when you’re living in sin it just becomes second nature.

So I asked her, “Why, out of all the stuff that you do to support your drug habit, is this one that bothers you the most?” Her response shocked me. She talked about how she knew that one day God would deliver her from her habit and that once that happened, she wanted to have a husband and children like she used to dream about when she was growing up. She went on to talk about how no man in their right mind would ever want to marry her because of her sexual past and this is what was weighing so heavily on her. She asked me, “Do you think any godly man would want me?”

Before I answered her question, I went back into my office and grabbed a devotional that a friend of mine written and my Bible. I sat back down and said, “Before I answer your question I want you to follow me on this. This devotion I have in my hand is called ‘Hope for Lily.’ Lily means purity. I would give you this devotional, but it really wouldn’t mean too much to you. You have slept with so many men that it would just be a waste of time for you to read it.” She sat there in that chair with tears running down her face. Any hope that she had, I had just ripped it from her in a few sentences. “But I do have something I want to share with you,” I told her. I opened my Bible up to 1 John 1:9, and I asked her to read it. She read it out loud with trembling in her voice. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” I said, “do you realize what this means? It means that if you confess your sexual sins and turn from them, that God will not only forgive you, but also purify you back to the original state that He intended for you to be. That state is being a virgin until you are married.

Well, something must have clicked inside of her, because her tears went from sadness to joy, and in between her crying she asked God to forgive her of all her sins, including the sexual ones, and then proclaimed: “I am once again a virgin.” I sat there and looked at her for a moment with joy in my heart, like a proud father looks at his children, and slid the devotional across the table to her and said, “This devotional now has everything to do with you. You are now pure, you are now a virgin. …Oh yeah, and by the way, yes I believe that a godly man would want to share his life with you.”

Forgiven and Free

Today, that girl is serving Jesus, has been off of drugs for quite a long time, and has been saving herself for marriage. She tells anyone and everyone she can, that she is a virgin – even though she was once a hooker. How awesome is that?

Wow…thank you so much Scott for sharing that powerful story of how forgiveness can truly set us free from the sin of our past. So many of us need to hear that message.

Please share your comments and responses to Scott’s story in the comments section below. We’d love to hear from you.

Advice on Sexual Intimacy for Married Women

September 12, 2012 By shelley Leave a Comment

“Ladies, if you are married and are at odds with your husband, it could be for a variety of reasons and in your anger or bitterness you withhold intimacy from your husband, you are setting him up for sexual temptation outside the marriage.

Sexual intimacy is a natural desire and need just like sleep and eating is. My advice is to figure out what your angry about and deal with that. As women,our bodies are also designed with the natural desires for sexual intimacy, if you are lacking that natural desire, it may be more than emotional, it may be a lack of hormones or your bodies natural chemicals are out of balance.

Sexual intimacy provides so much more than just the physical it acts as a bonding agent that can actual improve the immune system. So go enjoy that natural desire and boost that potentially lagging immune system.”

– Eileen Marx
www.atpministries.org

Thank you Eileen for sharing your advice! I also know the same can also be true on the flip side if the husband is withholding intimacy as well. So it is important for both the husband and wife to come together sexually on a regular basis. For my husband and I, we have both struggled with pornography in the past and noticed that it decreased our desire for sex with each other. God is bringing healing to our marriage and restoring what the enemy intended to destroy.

What are you thoughts? Anything else that can hinder sexual intimacy in marriage?

~Shelley~